


Le ciel peut bien tomber, mais je suis déjà au sol pour toi

by fromthenorthernskies



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Absolute Panic, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And Crystal being a ray of sunshine as usual, Fluff, Gigi smirking until shit happens, I just want some delicious happy endings okay, M/M, Maybe some Angst but not too much because I'm already emo enough, Mostly Nicky panicking in French, Multi, Polyamory, Strangers to Friends to Almost-Lovers to Lovers, The Clownery but with some French flavour™, and I mean it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:14:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23738122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fromthenorthernskies/pseuds/fromthenorthernskies
Summary: This definitely wasn’t how the French queen had planned to live her short time on the season. Honestly, she mostly wanted to get the crown (who didn’t), but getting some new friends/sisters and honing her skills against them for a while also pleased her. However, she was definitely not planning meeting her stupid soulmates on this goddamned forsaken competition. Not one, but both of them.
Relationships: Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode, Nicky Doll/Crystal Methyd, Nicky Doll/Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode, Nicky Doll/Gigi Goode
Comments: 78
Kudos: 121





	1. I can't help but stare, because I see truth somewhere in your eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic in ages: I don't even remember the last time I wrote something since I was so busy with university and not actually having any inspiration... Anyway, that being said, be kind as I'm still rusty! I'd like to thank the Jankie Candle Clan on Discord for giving me encouragements when I needed it, and actually inspire me enough to write for this season of RPDR... which is a miracle in itself, really.

This definitely wasn’t how the French queen had planned to live her short time on the season. Honestly, she mostly wanted to get the crown (who didn’t), but getting some new friends/sisters and honing her skills against them for a while also pleased her. However, she was definitely _not_ planning meeting her stupid soulmates on this goddamned forsaken competition. Not one, but _both_ of them.

Nicky knew that somewhere, someone was “waiting” for her. Scratch that, she grimaced. She _was_ the one who waited, really. According to her mother, she was born with “ _une moitié de marque_ ”, a very uncommon thing in the world. This happened when a person – in this case, her – had not one but two or multiple soulmates. Because of course she would, she just couldn’t have a single one and never met them like normal people, right? No, she had to be born with a broken golden star missing two peaks, of course, meaning that she had two soulmates somewhere, probably not even in France.

At first, her parents thought she would be lucky – the first missing part of her mark, an orange peak, appeared only a month or so after her birth. The second part, a brilliant red peak, however, took years to appear. By then, she was known to all the other kids as the “broken” boy and was mercilessly bullied in school about it.

She grew up in that state of mind, and unlike most of her classmates who just loved to show off their brand in hopes of finding their soulmates, Nicky despised her mark. She was cynical about her future mates. She was different, she knew that very early, but with her mark tying her to two others, it was even worse. People usually disregarded individuals with more than one, and it was known as a bad omen.

Nicky supposed it could be true, considering that humans didn’t usually fall for two others at the same time, and have it reciprocated on top of it. And more than anything, she was also very gay – and a drag queen. Nicky guessed it wouldn’t be that easy, and so she threw herself into work, forgetting about anything related to the two very different peaks embedded in her skin. The only comfort she could get from this was that her mark, on the back of her neck, was not too hard to hide, especially in drag. 

* * *

As she watched her new sisters come in the workroom, she smiled to all and air-kissed their cheeks as she should. They seemed nice enough, and she actually somewhat knew Brita and Jackie already, working in New York, so there was that at least. She was treading in unknown territory, especially with the language barrier, but Nicky wasn’t too worried for now.

Her worry grew exponentially when she saw the pirate-themed drag of a tall and lanky brunette, who candidly threw an “Ahoy!” in for the full-flavour. She was definitely a fashion and look queen, much like her, but there was something that the French queen couldn’t quite put her finger on. It was a weird feeling, akin to when your stomach get all twisted up before an important performance or a stressful decision. It was a sensation Nicky wasn’t used to feel anymore, and she wondered where it came from.

Nevertheless, she welcomed the new girl – Gigi – into their ranks, feeling her legs slightly tremble, especially at the almost-press of their lips on each other’s cheeks. She allowed herself to watch the brunette earnestly, while others made conversation with her. Gigi was pretty, there was no doubt of that – it even felt dirty only calling her pretty when she seemed to shine with beauty and youth.

Nicky wanted to watch some more, really, but had to look away when the “last” queen entered the room. This was, ah, _different_? The queen was dressed in a green and yellow clown dress pants, and was smiling widely. Nicky absolutely didn’t know why she felt like she was jabbed in the stomach again. She had blamed the nerves for Gigi’s entrance, as they were somewhat similar and it meant competition, but why this time? Was she going crazy on the first day already?!

As they had a chat in the group – mostly consisting of her watching the other two with furrowed brows and narrowed eyes as sneakily as she could – they started getting back to their boy looks not too long after. Nicky tried to pay attention to all the other queens because she was curious, but her gaze kept coming back to Gigi and Crystal.

Gigi was pretty much what she had expected her to look like when she took off the wig and pirate attire – a tall, lanky boy with a jawline that could cut your fingers should you ever dare to graze it. He was actually a brunette, underneath the long locks of his wig, and his brown eyes were piercing. Nicky felt awestruck by the younger boy, his composed demeanour, and his small smirk that made her stomach do somersaults like it never did before.

Crystal, on the other hand, couldn’t have looked more different – about the same height as Gigi and her, with similar brown eyes, though much softer ones compared to their intense ones, he had long, curly flowing brown locks going down his shoulders. Their eyes met a few times and he was nothing but all shy smiles and soft confidence. Nicky uncharacteristically smiled back shyly, feeling a soft pull towards the other queen that she tried her best to ignore, flexing her fingers instead of getting closer to either of them.

As they continued to de-drag, Nicky found out that the three of them naturally gravitated towards each other’s space, and they were all suddenly settled in next to each other. Seeing this, she smiled and continued removing her makeup, albeit a bit nervously, making sure to keep her mark hidden as she always did. Others may feel comfortable showing them in plain sight or in the middle of a TV show on national television, but not she wasn’t. Especially with her _moitié de marque_ , she knew that RuPaul and the producers would have a field day with it. They were already having enough fun with her being French.

As she turned, she saw that Crystal had removed most of her makeup and drag attire – damn, that bitch was _fast_ – and Nicky frowned, seeing the words sprawled on the other queen’s bare chest, just under her collarbone.

“What does your tattoo says?” the French queen dared to ask, way too curious for her own good. She merely saw Crystal weave a hand through her long brown locks and smile with a mischievous expression. “I got it at a concert, and it says One Direction”, she answered with a singsong voice, eager to see the reaction in the other’s face. Her soft brown irises were already shining with mirth.

Nicky didn’t disappoint. She stopped removing her makeup, a dead-inside expression stuck on her face, and turned a still-painted eyebrow up high, eyeing the queen on her left. “No. I don’t trust you”, she countered, fully turning around to face Crystal this time. As she saw the crinkle forming at the corner of her dark eyes, as she started laughing loudly, she felt like she was punched in the stomach for the nth time that day only. Nicky felt the full-force longing for the other, and grimaced inwardly – what in the world was wrong with her today? Was she really that stressed out? For what? A clown-like queen and a baby fashion icon? Ugh. _Pathétique_.

It was Gigi that saved her from her thoughts _and_ her anguish, as the youngest had turned at some point to watch them with inquisitive dark eyes and was low-key laughing too. “You have a tattoo that says One Direction in Arabic?” Gigi was saying each word deliberately, putting more force into it the more she continued speaking.

Crystal and Nicky both moved to watch the Californian queen fully, still smiling like crazy, and Nicky could have sworn she saw some blush on the brunette’s face. Crystal simply mustered a “yes!” while looking at Gigi with the mischievousness back again on her traits. She seemed to enjoy playing with the other two.

As Gigi asked if the other spoke Arabic, with Crystal simply laughing a “no!”, Nicky turned to finish removing her makeup fully, remembering she still had half a side of her face to do. Doing so, she watched through the mirror as Crystal had moved closed to Gigi and was whispering something to her. She felt a small pang under her collarbone, coupled with a stinging sensation on the back of her neck, but she pushed it back.

Something else was more important at that exact moment. As Crystal was stretching, the light pants she wore loosely around her hips fell a bit, revealing the tan skin that was previously hidden. No one was watching, for the maybe five seconds it lasted, before Crystal put them back up and secured the pants around her waist once again.

But honestly, five seconds was more than enough for Nicky to spot the bright broken star in tones of orange, with its peaks red and golden, nestled on Crystal’s left hipbone.

She only had one thought as all colour fled from her usually bronzed skin.

_Je suis dans la merde._


	2. I can see you looking back at me, keep your eyes on me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She raised her dark, unfocused eyes just in time for Crystal to push down slightly the elastic band of his shorts, and show everyone the mark she had already seen yesterday. Nevertheless, it still made her heart pang painfully against her ribs. Marked forever, never to be together. She felt a wave of depression threatening to pull her down, threatening to drown her fully in sorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos, it means a lot to me that you guys seem to like the story so far! Hope you'll enjoy this next update! Without further ado, welcome to the "Nicky panics and starts going crazy with it" show!

As a new day dawned on the workroom, Nicky anticipated meeting the other queens that were featured on a different episode than hers. In the morning, after spending six hours, thirty-eight minutes and give or take a few seconds panicking about Crystal and their _stupid mark_ (not that she was counting or anything), she finally fell asleep. Only to get woken up rudely by the continuous banging on her door from her assigned PA.

As such, she had to take some drastic measures to make sure no one knew she slept maybe an hour if she was lucky – the French queen had some standards to uphold to. She made sure to keep her hood on, and cover her prominent dark circles with a good amount of concealer. Nicky would die before the other competitors thought she was a mess after only a day. _Même si je le suis?_

A large part of her was eager to cross the threshold that led to the workroom, still ready for the challenge and to meet the other queens – that would help keeping Crystal as far as possible from her. Provided that she could handle it, of course. She had heard of tales of soulmates being denied time together but still being in proximity and how badly it usually ended. Most of the time with one – or both – individuals developing anxiety, depression, and some even suffered from the infamous broken-heart syndrome.

Needless to say, she wasn’t exactly eager to experience any of those, and thus knew she had to handle the situation carefully, especially since there was no way in hell she would tell Crystal about it. Honestly, the less Crystal knew, the _better_. One, it wouldn’t work; two, there was _no way_ the literal ray of sunshine of the group would fall for her; and three, they were rivals in this competition, and Nicky wasn’t about to let anyone stand in her way, _soulmate_ or not.

The French queen made sure to sit next to Gigi while they meddled with the entirety of their group for the first time. The younger one didn’t seem to mind much, smiling at her with a soft blush illuminating his cheekbones. Nicky didn’t know why she was having so much effect on the queen, but she would take it, especially after feeling like dying every time they looked at each other yesterday.

Tuning in to the conversation, she groaned when the topic was, of course because fuck her luck, _soulmates_. They were at the point where everyone was showing their mark, and gushing over it. Jan had hers on her right hand; Jackie had hers on her right shoulder; Widow showed off hers, located on her left knee. Of course they all had found their bonded, and they only had one. _Lucky them_ , grumbled Nicky wordlessly. She turned her tired gaze away, unable to deal with their joy.

She almost jumped out of her seat when she felt the slight press of Gigi’s shoulder against hers, her casual touch almost searing through the fabric of her hoodie. “Mine is really well-hidden”, laughed Gigi before shrugging, “Guess I got lucky?”

The others turned to Nicky, but she was saved by the bell, so to say, when Crystal jumped in instantly and diverted the attention from the nervous-looking French queen to her. She had to physically restrain herself to not go hug the smiling queen. However, apparently, the only thing her brain was capable to do was grasp at anything nearby, and that happened to be Gigi, because _of course_.

The younger one looked at her with surprise in his usual piercing brown eyes when he felt the slim fingers of Nicky lock-on his wrist, but smirked a bit and instead made it so their hands were linked lightly, giving a soft squeeze to let the other know he was there no matter what. Nicky marvelled at the soothing sensation this provided her, while almost making her heart go haywire. How could a simple, soft hand in hers give her heart palpitations akin to an aneurysm?

She raised her dark, unfocused eyes just in time for Crystal to push down slightly the elastic band of his shorts, and show everyone the mark she had already seen yesterday. Nevertheless, it still made her heart pang painfully against her ribs. _Marked forever, never to be together_. She felt a wave of depression threatening to pull her down, alarmingly trying to drown her fully in sorrow.

Nicky would have probably started to go under, had it not been for the pain she suddenly felt shooting through her arm, but located directly into her palm. She quickly understood the reason when she saw the blunt nails of Gigi digging forcefully into her hand. The younger one’s gaze was fixated on Crystal and he had an unreadable look on his face. The only thing that Nicky could gather from the sharpness of his scowl was his anger.

The French queen was surprised by this. Why was he so angry about it? Was Gigi one of those people who hated anything that wasn’t normal? That seemed so out of the field for the 21-years-old. Well, you never really know someone’s mind before they really decided to reveal themselves, Nicky sighed to herself. She couldn’t help but be distraught by that fact, the pain in her stomach growing exponentially.

Moving on around during the mini-challenge, Nicky felt like suffocating between Gigi and Crystal, waiting to be moved around by Jaida, from the other group. She stuck her hands into her hoodie’s pocket and tried to concentrate on her breathing, instead of the challenge. She could have kissed Jaida right here and there when the queen moved Crystal away from her, easing the pressure, and even put Brita between her and Gigi. After the anger she saw shining on his flawless features, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to stick around him, her mark hidden or not.

She almost sighed in relief when Gigi was picked by Heidi for her team, but she wasn’t so lucky when she was put in a team with the two Missourian queens in the competition. Nicky supposed that Crystal and her positive energy was still better than tempting Gigi’s wrath – and she still had Widow to act as a fold between them. Crystal and Widow knew each other, so, she really hoped things wouldn’t be too awkward.

Crystal had attracted mostly curiosity and surprise when she had shown her mark, and while some didn’t quite seem to even fathom how she could manage to find _and_ date two people, the grinning queen had simply shrugged and said that “she had faith in the individuals she was bonded with”.

Nicky had felt the full force of those words directly unknowingly at her. A large part of her was already berating herself for causing the eventual disappointment and pain to the adorable Southern queen, but another small part of her was dedicated to protect her heart at all costs.

* * *

Exactly like she had predicted, the maxi-challenge was hell. Nicky spent at least ninety percent of her time freaking out over Crystal, and the remaining ten percent went to hide her mark at all cost. Needless to say, she wasn’t in the right mindset for the improvisation challenge she was faced with.

Widow had definitely noticed and had tried to shake her out of it, but to no avail. She was afraid, afraid of making a wrong move, afraid of getting closer to Crystal, afraid of Gigi’s opinion, afraid of failing and going home. She was into deeply her own mind and couldn’t leave it. She was weighting her options about her mark and couldn’t decide on which one seemed to be the best.

She knew she did poorly in the challenge because of it, she wasn’t blind (or deaf). But hearing it from the judges and RuPaul himself was another thing. Serves her right for avoiding Crystal like the plague during their challenge. Gigi had placed safe, but Nicky was never worried for the talented queen.

However, she started to worry – alright, more accurately, die inside – when Crystal was still standing between Dahlia and her on stage. She was low, too. Did she cause this? Did… she bring the grinning queen into her descend to madness? Nicky didn’t think she would forgive herself if it was the case.

She let out a relieved breath when the Missourian was saved from the bottom two. The only thing that remained now, was to beat Dahlia and stay… or fail and go home to New York instead. Nicky pondered her options again. She low-key was wondering if getting eliminated first was that bad. She wanted that crown, sure, but it was only week one and she was already having a meltdown every three seconds and was barely sleeping. That didn’t augur well.

She steeled herself. She needed to do this, slay the lip sync, and stay in the competition. She could handle the pain and suffering, no? God, how she wished her mother was here to give her advice right now… what would she even say? Probably encourage her to come clean to Crystal, and tell her something along the lines of “ _suis ton coeur_ ”.

Nicky heard the first notes of _Problem_ , and knew she needed to slay the house down, no matter how much the next weeks would make her suffer. She wanted this, she had fought for her place on the show and she was _not_ going to let it pass away without trying.

* * *

They both had a good lip sync. But in the end, RuPaul decided to keep her, and she thanked him, before moving towards the end of the runway. On one side, she saw the large grin Crystal had, her eyes crinkling with pure joy, and Nicky smiled freely for the first time that day against her will. There was just something in the energy of the other queen that made her feel giddy inside. Maybe it was their shared mark, but maybe it was also just how the long-haired one was.

She however still went on the other side, where Gigi was waiting for her, winking mischievously at her, pale-coloured eyes watching her every move. If Nicky had to guess, she would say that the other queen seemed deeply relieved to see her safe for at least another week.

After RuPaul had granted them their leave, Nicky started to walk towards the exit, only to be stopped by Gigi grasping her hand much like earlier that day, smiling brightly for once. She gasped wordlessly when she felt Crystal on the other side, catching a hold of her arm and linking it with hers, skipping happily. She could feel the dual searing sensation that seemed to happen with both of them, and she didn’t have the heart to push them away, instead sighing with fake desperation and laughing along with some joke Gigi had loudly barked over the music.

_Et bien… qu’est-ce que je fais, maintenant?_


	3. And aren’t you something to admire?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess she was right in the end. Marked forever, never to be together. She had the absolute luck of a lifetime – it felt nothing short of serendipity – to meet not only one, but both her soulmates at the same time, and yet, did nothing about it because she was absolutely terrified. Worse still, she even tried to push them together without her. Wow, that sounded exactly like the kind of bullshit she had done to “protect herself” in the last twenty-eight years of her life. 
> 
> So why did she feel so empty and numb realizing it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The promised update! Get ready for almost 2k words of Nicky absolutely, and I mean it, fucking everything up as she goes! This chapter means a lot to me because I was in a similar situation once about 5 years ago, and while reliving it for the sake of the story was soul-wrenching, I'm glad it's up there. Hope y'all enjoy!

Spoiler: Nicky’s nights didn’t get any better after the fiasco of the first one. At first, she had tried to spend most of her time after filming watching over-the-top telenovelas on various TV stations. After all, she could understand some bits here and there simply by speaking French. But they constantly spoke far too quickly for her to fully register the words, and she called quits really fast.

After that, she was mostly bored – without her laptop, without her cellphone, locked in a small hotel room that she couldn’t even get out of, she even started to miss the annoying notifications from the various social media applications. The French queen had tried to spend time outside on the balcony to observe the City of Angels, but it was way too hot to be without AC for more than 10 minutes.

So she did the only thing that remained: laying on the bed, on her back, and watching the cellar like it could move, or would give her the answers she was looking for desperately. They were filming episode four tomorrow, and while she wasn’t in a bad spot with either Crystal or Gigi, it wasn’t helping her sleep at all.

She felt nervous, and it was only growing every day, like a giant tumor waiting to explode right in her face at the most unfortunate moment. Nicky felt like she was walking on eggs, between the oblivious dilemma of keeping Crystal away and _not being able to_ , because she was far too adorable, and the strange attitude of Gigi towards the mark of Crystal that she also shared.

She groaned, grabbing a pillow to smash her face with. She didn’t know if she felt more like crying, laughing or screaming at this point. Probably a mix of the three. There was no way she was getting out of this competition unscattered.

* * *

When RuPaul announced their mini-challenge – a weird thing with bees? – Nicky was less than impressed. However, her opinion changed a bit when she saw Gigi “I can’t dance, I have no rhythm” Goode do a fucking backflip without even breaking a sweat. She arched a perfect eyebrow in question, and watched Gigi take his place back next to her in the group with a sheepish smile.

She wasn’t surprised to see the mini-challenge victory go to their youngest, and cheered like the rest of the group. Nicky was anxiously awaiting for the maxi-challenge, hoping for a chance to prove herself, after the debacle of last week. She mostly hoped that there would be no team this time, so she could relax a bit and not screw up at every chance she got.

The French queen was pleasantly surprised to hear RuPaul announce “The Ball Ball”, and shared a mischievous smirk with Gigi, their shoulders grazing with the same intensity as usual. Just like her, she knew the Californian could bring it and was eager to see what he would come up with. She was more worried for Crystal, but tried to push it back because she needed to do well this time.

As they had to bring three different looks to the runway, Nicky started working immediately. She had more or less a good idea of where she wanted everything to go, but she had no time to waste if she wanted to make it happen. Her work table was between those of Crystal and Gigi, ironically, and she gravitated instantly towards Gigi, looking to share ideas with the youngest.

Sitting at Gigi’s table, watching the Californian struggling with a strap on his shoe, she laughed, but eventually decided to take pity on the youngest, especially after Gigi shot her some puppy eyes and a cute pout. She realized that the other had messed up the strap so much it was twisting painfully on his ankle, leaving him groaning in pain.

“Ugh, trust that it had to happen on my mark”, lamented Gigi, eyeing his soon-to-be saviour taking his ankle into her lithe hands.

“Hmm… it will probably hurt for a few days, you twisted it deep, girl”, Nicky sighed, now worried for Gigi. “I hope you’re not the kind of person that loves to watch their mark every day”, she murmured absentmindedly, still trying to untangle the mess of the brunette.

“Actually, I kinda do… because it’s pretty special”, admitted Gigi with a shy smile that felt very different than his usual smirks. Nicky felt her heart pound painfully against her ribs, watching the boy for a few seconds before finally managing to pull out her friend’s foot free.

“There we go! I think you’ll manage to keep your -“

Nicky stopped in the middle of her sentence, flabbergasted. She paled, eyeing dangerously the mark on Gigi’s left ankle. Even with the straps leaving angry red streaks behind, she had no problem recognizing the red broken star, with peaks of golden and orange.

There was a moment of silence where Nicky was sure she was dead, like that, kneeling in front of the beautiful sitting queen – this was _not_ how she had planned to die. Finally, Gigi let out an awkward chuckle, trying to diffuse the tension. “Yeah, I- I have two soulmates.”

When Nicky didn’t say anything, he continued, anxiously biting his bottom lip. “You’re not one of those people that think it’s… _sinful_ , right?” The French queen heard loud and clear the worry in his mumbled words. She knew she had to react, but it seemed like her brain had decided to throw out the worst thing she could possibly come up with in its panicked state.

“You have Crystal’s mark…” Nicky gulped harshly, trying to gather some strength. She absentmindedly weaved a hand to the back of her neck. “You should, hmm, tell her, you know?” She could have laughed or screamed when she realized how her voice cracked, and prayed to all the gods that Gigi didn’t notice.

The brown eyes of her fellow contestant watched her with interest. “Maybe you’re right, I’m just scared, I guess.” Gigi paused. “Should I really tell her? It’s a competition after all.”

Nicky shrugged, finally raising up to be the same height again, her knees creaking painfully for a few seconds. She tried to push the part of her brain that was screaming about now knowing the reason why she was so attracted to the youngest one of the competition. “Tu devrais lui dire”, began Nicky with the most neutral voice she could muster, before realizing she spoke in French with the way Gigi’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“Tell her”, she started again. “You got nothing to lose, and maybe you can see where it leads you two, like, after the show?” Nicky felt like throwing up – and actually sensed the wave of nausea hitting her harshly, and she breathed in a controlled way, trying to push it away. “Anyway, I’ll let you think about it, I need a break before going back to my dress. Oh, and, hmm, congrats finding your soulmate! One of them, I mean.”

Without letting Gigi ask her anything, she left with her awkwardness towards the first bathroom she found on her walk. Nicky barely made it to the stall before smashing it close and emptying her already upset stomach. She heaved for a few minutes after she finished, and finally just leaned weakly against the locked door. Pushing her knees under her chin, the French queen tightened her hold over herself, barely reining in the muted choked sobs. She didn’t know how long she stayed there, until a PA reminded her that she needed to get back to the workroom.

Guess she was right in the end. _Marked forever, never to be together_. She had the absolute luck of a lifetime – it felt nothing short of serendipity – to meet not only one, but _both_ her soulmates at the same time, and yet, did nothing about it because she was absolutely terrified. Worse still, she even tried to push them together without her. Wow, that sounded exactly like the kind of bullshit she had done to “protect herself” in the last twenty-eight years of her life.

So why did she feel so empty and numb realizing it?

* * *

When Nicky got back into the workroom, she felt the weight of the other queens’ on her, but dropped her eyes, making a beeline for her table and keeping her hood down even more, hiding almost all of her face. Nicky instantly started working, throwing all her soul into her work, like she always did whenever she felt like dying. Like she felt right now – crying had helped a bit, but her thoughts were still all jumbled up and she felt dizzy at best.

She almost jumped out of her skin when she saw Crystal sit at her unoccupied chair while she worked on a mannequin nearby. The Missourian staggered a bit, surprised by the over-the-top reaction from Nicky. After all, she wasn’t being sneaky about it. “Hey, I’m, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump like that”, she began in a low voice. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay? You… left for a long moment.”

Crystal just had the cutest worried expression on her adorable face. Nicky sensed her heart picking up speed and the never-ending pang of pain that seem to come with it every time it concerned either Crystal or Gigi. Thinking about the youngest one felt like someone was twisting a knife deep in the most profound corners of her heart. Thinking about Crystal was more of a deep, continuous longing that barely left any space for her to breathe.

Nicky realized she should probably answer, and turned to her friend fully, absolutely not trusting the next words that would leave her stupid mouth. “Why, are you worried about me, Miss Methyd?”

_Trust her stupid sass to come out as flirtation at the worse possible time._

“Yes, I am. I’d like to think we’re friends, and I, I don’t really want you going home”, admitted Crystal in a thick voice. Nicky watched her with shocked expression. Before she could even say a word – not that she was able to – the so-called clown of the season carried on. “I was worried when you were in the bottom two, because I want to know more about you, but then you were on the verge of leaving, and we’ve barely spoken today because you were with Gigi, and _it’s fine_ , but I –“

Crystal shook her head, flashing her a small grin that was nowhere near her usual bright ones, and seemed to disregard her sudden burst of emotion. Nicky wondered for a moment if the girl was feeling the same wave of depression because of their marks. “It doesn’t really matter, I’m just glad you’re still here, if that makes sense. If there’s anything, you know you can talk to me right? You’re not – I mean, I don’t see you as a rival, even if it’s a competition.”

Okay, that was very sweet of Crystal – not that the French queen expected anything less from her. And trust Nicky to go on, and panic, and overthink, and _fuck everything up_ , because that was what she was the champion of. Fucking up her life and sometimes with the bonus of those around her. Especially if it was related to soulmate-business.

“I spoke to Gigi today, you should go see her, I think she wanted to tell you something about your mark”, Nicky managed to vocalize through her gritted teeth. Her fingers were slightly shaking as she turned her attention back to the mannequin, signifying the end of the conversation – probably leaving behind a very confused (or sad?) Crystal.

_Et merde_.


	4. 'Cause I don't wanna lose you now, I'm looking right at the other half of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After seeing the mark on the queen’s ankle yesterday, and literally pushing her to confess to Crystal, Nicky hadn’t talked to either of them. She didn’t have the strength to, and knew her heart would shatter in thousand little pieces as soon as they started gravitating towards each other more. It was her fault, really, and she couldn’t blame them: Nicky was the only one with all the cards in her hand. She just… decided to ignore a few of them, for her sanity’s sake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, already half-way through the story! I love them so much, I might do some one-shots in that universe afterwards (stay tuned for more info on this later). This one is a bit shorter, but I had to handle all my classes today and I'm just drained, y'all.  
> Again, thanks for your comments/kudos, I really enjoy them!  
> With that being said, have fun with Nicky pretending all is well when in reality, everything is falling apart.

Honestly, after all this time watching the show, Nicky couldn’t even fathom how RuPaul and his producers came up with this shit. Though, she supposed, after twelve seasons, even the most creative of minds could come up short. That still didn’t explain how she managed to win – finally! – a fucking challenge. Because she didn’t win the stupid ball of the previous episode.

She would have been livid, but her anger lessened just a tiny bit because Gigi had snatched the win. And the Californian did an amazing job - that was for sure. Everyone was awestruck with the 21-years-old and, honestly, they should. She would defend her fellow fashion queen with teeth and claw, any day, all day.

So here she was, sharing the mini-challenge win with Gigi. It was pure luck that they both got a pink pill in their bottles. But Nicky would take it. However, working with Gigi would be… a problem.

After seeing the mark on the queen’s ankle yesterday, and literally pushing her to confess to Crystal, Nicky hadn’t talked to either of them. She didn’t have the strength to, and knew her heart would shatter in thousand little pieces as soon as they started gravitating towards each other more. It was her fault, really, and she couldn’t blame them: Nicky was the only one with all the cards in her hand. She just… decided to ignore a few of them, for her sanity’s sake.

Gigi announced that they needed to talk before assigning the roles, and he took her hand before her brain could even compute. Nicky had barely registered the scorching sensation of their hands linked together that Gigi had released it and was looking at her expectedly. When the French queen stayed silent, the youngest harshly dropped his pile of papers on the table and put his hands up. “Did I do something?” He seemed annoyed, but mostly, frustrated.

Nicky watched him eagerly, taking in his strong but soft traits, the way his glasses had dropped just a bit, so he could watch her with dark piercing eyes, the anxiety swirling in them. He was _beautiful_. She avoided his gaze, massaging her neck by habit and turned back to the papers. “No. Aren’t we supposed to decide the roles?”

She watched the narrowing in his eyes, the tension escalating in his jaw, and Nicky worried that he was going to push the issue again for a hot second. She knew she wouldn’t handle it well, and would probably break down in his arms, weeping like a baby. The French queen finally heard him sigh softly, before taking his piece of paper and nodding. She was safe, for now.

* * *

She tried to read her part for Gay’s Anatomy, but couldn’t seem to find concentration. From the corner of her eye, she could see Gigi and Crystal chattering in low voices. What were they even talking about? They didn’t need to, their parts during the challenge didn’t even crisscross. Even worse, Nicky saw their gazes stuck on her from times to times and tried her best to control herself. She was straddling the fine line between a panic attack and a nervous breakdown.

She knew she couldn’t just leave the place – oh, but she wanted to. Especially after her stunt not too long ago, she was well aware that the other queens and the PA watched her. She just shrunk into herself more if possible, and hoped no one would disturb her today, or so God help her.

Apparently, God hated Nicky, since Gigi made his way towards her and she could have laughed with how tired and done she felt. She decided to try to ignore the girl the best she could and continued to read her script.

But Gigi seemed to give no shit anymore. “Hey, bitch, I know you’re trying to make it seem like you’re reading your script but unless you can read a blank page, then look at me for once.” The commanding tone of the other queen threw her off, mostly because she found it particularly sexy. _Oh non_ …

“What do you want, Gigi?” Nicky questioned with a tight voice, cursing her throat for betraying her once again. Trust her brain to be a smartass at the worst possible moment, typical. Behind the Californian, seated at her table, was Crystal watching them with apprehension.

“Didn’t I just ask you to look at me?” Gigi’s voice had suddenly dropped husky, and Nicky wasn’t sure she could survive this. Eyeing his dark, focused but concerned orbs, she definitely was sure she would die. This queen would be the death of her.

Nicky might have been the oldest by a large margin, but the 21-years-old was playing right into his strengths, and his natural confidence granted him an innate dominating attitude. She didn’t know Crystal’s thoughts on this, but she was definitely on board with that. Except that contrarily to Crystal, she would never experience having a chance with the handsome queen. She touched the back of her neck, through the hoodie, but kept her gaze on Gigi.

“Why do you always keep touching your neck whenever we talk?”

Ah, yes, of course, he had to ask. It was a bad habit of hers – whenever she was anxious, nervous, or if someone talked about soulmates. Especially if someone dared to speak of soulmates near her. What could she tell him though, in the middle of a fucking competition where all their stupid moves were filmed? _Oh, yeah, sorry, you and Crystal are my soulmates, I knew all along, what a good joke, right?_ Yeah, not gonna happen.

It was time to see how much Nicky could bullshit her way out of things, yet again. Because Karl sure couldn’t lie to save his own ass. “Just a bad habit of mine”, she supplied, pleased when her voice didn’t waver.

She saw the plea in Gigi’s eyes, said nothing more, and saw him exhale slowly. “Look, I _know_ you’re hiding something, and Crystal does too. We’re not stupid. But… I get it if you don’t wanna talk about it… _here_.”

Nicky was sure he was about to say more, but he was cut short by the staff crew telling them to report for filming Gay’s Anatomy. She took her chance and zoomed out of the room to avoid continuing the conversation.

* * *

So… let’s just say she hadn’t planned to land her ass in the bottom two once again. But she could hardly blame the judges. Nicky was obsessed with hiding her mark at all costs, while trying to keep a semblance of sanity. Honestly, at this point, she was just tired. And she wanted to go home, unsure if she meant New York or France at this point, but anything to leave LA.

Heidi was a fierce competitor, and she deserved her place in the show way more than her absentminded ass. She gave it her all, but she _knew_ in her heart that she would be the one to sashay away. Realizing it before RuPaul said the dreaded words made it feel less terrible.

She hugged Heidi, telling her to go for the crown, and started to walk towards the exit. That was it. She could leave it all behind. Nicky felt at peace for the first time in days. It would take a good week to end filming, and, provided that Crystal and Gigi made it to the top 4, she would already be long gone before they got back their phones. It was perfect. It was flawless. She couldn’t help but smile with delight.

Finally, she was free. And she didn’t need to worry about meeting her stupid soulmates, because _she had_. Now, she could just avoid them, at least until they stopped being on her ass, and everything would be fine. She barely saw the haggard looks shared by both her bonded while passing by.

_Je suis libre_.


	5. I'm here trying to pull you through, you just gotta be strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They said ignoring a soulmate was damn-near impossible once you knew their identity. That it would be heart-shattering, and many had lost their mind doing so. 
> 
> Karl Sanchez, aka Nicky Doll, said “sure, watch me”. 
> 
> And she ignored her two fucking soulmates for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, the famous chapter 5. I think that was one my favourite to write!  
> I'm not spoiling anything for you guys, go read it.  
> Thanks again for all the comments/kudos!!

They said ignoring a soulmate was damn-near impossible once you knew their identity. That it would be heart-shattering, and many had lost their mind doing so.

Karl Sanchez, aka Nicky Doll, said “sure, watch me”.

And she ignored her _two_ fucking soulmates for weeks.

* * *

Okay, so perhaps it wasn’t the best way to go around and live her life. She admitted that she had felt lighter when she was first eliminated. Also, the fact that both Crystal and Gigi left a letter for her in the workroom that bluntly said “we need to talk” absolutely cemented her decision to flee the fuck away, as far as she possibly could.

This is why, instead of going back to New York, she went over-the-top as usual and booked a plane to Paris. When Jackie texted Nicky, telling her the top 4 was now loose, with both Crystal and Gigi in it, she absolutely said _fuck it_ , and stayed in Paris for another week.

The Clowns™, as they were dubbed by queens on the season and probably soon enough by the fans, were far craftier than she had expected, though. However, even if they flooded her with text messages, and even more on various social media, she simply ignored them. Better yet, she left her phone to her manager after a few days, tired of hearing it beep or ring at every – single – fucking – hour.

Look, everyone could judge her if they pleased – that included her less-than-impressed mother, her manager, and most of her friends – but she was fine. The situation was well-handled. That soulmate bullshit, was, well, _bullshit_.

Just because she was 9,080 kilometers away from Gigi and 7,354 kilometers away from Crystal didn’t mean that it had anything to do with her jumpiness, her impatience, her insomnia or the fact that she was listening to _Landslide_ on repeat and crying her eyes out every single day before her shows, alright?

However, like her manager had pointed out, she needed to go back to New York someday. Most of her drag accessories were there, her apartment was there, her shows were supposed to be there. She could only use the excuse of “recharging from Drag Race” for so long. Nicky supposed New York could do. After all, she did miss her usual fans, her bar, and also was eager for the opportunity to perform with the other NY girls on the season.

New York was still 4,489 kilometers from Gigi. And 1,876 kilometers from Crystal. She could make it, no? There was no risk to meet either of them, and with that Nicky was on the airplane for her American home.

* * *

The first few days were a breeze – mostly because of the time zones adaptation. She definitely felt better in New York than she had back in Paris. She was also eager for her first show since she came back, since she was doing a performance with Brita, Jackie and Jan.

As she prepared like usual, she heard them snicker together, like they were planning some prank and she groaned inwardly. She wasn’t exactly in the mood, and had little to no time – these dark circles under her eyes wouldn’t get hidden without loads of help, and concealer.

The show went… well? Nothing happened. Nicky was sure they would prank her on-stage, but they didn’t, and she had a blast. She felt her anxiety levels drop a bit, and walked back confidently to the changing station. She took her time, and then just relaxed in her chair, makeup, wig, and dress removed. The French queen could hear the loud bass of the club pound through the walls, and was comfortable here for the time being. Brita had even brought her a drink to keep her company. She closed her eyes for a few seconds, feeling the exhaustion of the past weeks crash on her.

* * *

When she woke up, it was to unrecognizable voices not too far from her. Nicky kept her eyes closed, trying to maintain the illusion. Concentrating further, she heard the low tones of Jackie’s voice at first. Then the ones of Brita, more gruff, and Jan’s, on the lighter side. _What are they talking about?_

She listened attentively and caught some of the words the queens were speaking. It was more than enough for her to be fully awake. _Crystal_. _Gigi_. _Here now_. _Nicky will freak out_.

Oh, they were right, she would freak out. She basically bounded out of the chair, landing securely on her feet, and watched them with exasperation. “I knew it, you were planning something!”

Honestly, had it been in any other situation, Nicky would have probably howled with laughter. Between Brita caught with her mouth wide open, Jan and her exaggerated expressions and Jackie’s sheepish face, it was worthy of an award. When none of her friends seemed to be able to answer her, she stretched, groaning. “How long did I sleep, _merde_?”

“Maybe like an hour”, supplied Jan with a squeaky voice. Nicky shot her a glare that shut her up quickly. She felt a headache coming to bang against her temples and couldn’t handle all this. Her brain didn’t not help at all, simply saying that she probably felt so much at ease because the other two were close to her and not in their respective cities.

“Any of you three wanna tell me why Gigi, living in LA, and Crystal, living in nowhere, fucking Missouri, are here today?” Nicky felt like a dragon, with puffs of smoke coming out of her nose with anger.

“You see, that’s kinda funny because –“started Brita with an awkward chuckle, at the same time Jackie attempted a similar botched explanation. “It’s not funny though, now, is it?” Nicky exclaimed brashly. “Fuck, I don’t wanna go there and see them! I can’t stay here…”

She stated to pace the room, feeling the panic grasp at her throat. Each step she took highlighted her anxiety, made a new wave of nausea rise, and built the tension in her every muscle. Nicky eventually stopped at her station for the night, and grasped the table so hard her knuckles turned white. She could hear faintly the other queens talking, but her brain couldn’t register the words, because, of course, it never was helpful. _Respire,_ provided her stupid brain. _I can’t!_ She realized suddenly, choking on air instead.

She vaguely recognized someone screaming in the background, but she felt dizzy and faint, her knees unsteady. Her arms were barely keeping her up at that point. She would be impressed if she could think coherently.

As soon as Nicky felt her knees failing her, finally, she was grabbed by strong hands, which guided her to sit back in her chair firmly, but not unkindly. She realized that she could barely make out the room or the person in front of her, everything felt blurred and misty. _Was she crying?_

She felt a soft hand touch the middle of her chest, pressing lightly, as if to make sure she realized they were there. “Just focus on my hand, alright, baby? Breathe. Inhale”, Nicky tried her best to comply with the very simple instructions, managing a broken inspiration, but that seemed to be enough for the individual. “Exhale”, continued the soft voice. “You’re doing so well baby, keep doing that”.

After what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a couple of minutes, Nicky could breathe correctly by herself again, but the stranger kept its hand there. As she started to come back to Earth, she was met with the distressed features of Gigi, worry etched in all his traits and moves. He was kneeling in front on her, and she felt how anxious he had been a few minutes ago. “Sorry”, she managed to mutter hoarsely.

Gigi shook her head. “You don’t have to be sorry, everyone has panic attacks at some point”, the boy began softly, “but are you alright?” Nicky all but nodded. She felt fine now, a wave of calm washing on her as the younger queen was in front of her.

“I’m glad you’re doing alright now, we were worried out of our skin”, revealed Crystal, just standing against the table where she was at first. Nicky didn’t even see him there. His eyes seemed cloudy, and a bit misty. He had probably cried quite a bit, since there was also large red spots under his dark irises. She felt bad that she made him cry, again.

They stayed in silence for a bit, still hearing the loud music being played on the other side of the walls. Nicky sighed, putting her face into her hands with desperation. She couldn’t believe they managed to handle her panic attack that easily. Usually, whenever she got one of those, it would stay with her for hours before she even started to calm down. “Where are the others?” She finally dared to ask, look at their faces through the gaps in her long fingers.

Crystal and Gigi exchanged an embarrassed smile. “Well, Jan started freaking out when she saw you pace the room and panic, so she went to tell us –“ started Gigi, before Crystal took over. “- and then Brita and Jackie didn’t want us to make you feel ever more agitated, so they tried to keep us out, but maybe Gigi screeched their ears out and they left”, concluded the long-haired queen, grinning.

“You mean they couldn’t handle all of _this_ ”, Gigi mumbled with frustration laced in his voice. Crystal shrugged it off, and helped his friend to stand after being on his knees for so long. Gigi’s knees made a warning noise and the boy winced. “You’re pretty young to have knees issues, Miss Goode”, laughed Crystal, pulling him closer a bit.

“Shut up, Crystal Elizabeth, I have been on the ground for the last thirty minutes while your ass took a break on the table”, admonished Gigi, pushing at his chest lightly. “You don’t complain when you’re on your knees usually, though”, teased the other with a smirk that was rarely seen on his traits. Gigi merely pushed him more firmly this time, hitting him in the shoulder as a bonus. The Californian laughed when he heard the soft “ow” that Crystal gave before turning his attention back to Nicky.

The French queen was back at the table, checking her reflection and scowling at what she found out, not really giving them attention. Crystal was about to talk when Gigi brutally smashed her hand against her mouth and pointed to Nicky’s neck. They had never seen it because the queen always had either a wig or her famous hood on.

But now, it was bare, except for the mark that was etched there. A golden broken star with peaks of red and orange. They said nothing, exchanging a look of concern and strange anticipation.

Nicky didn’t know what was happening, and she merely grumbled to herself, before turning her gaze through the mirror to look at her friends. She frowned at their pale and flabbergasted faces. “Are you two okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost”, she laughed at her joke, while trying to hide her worry underneath.

“Nicky, why didn’t you tell us you shared your mark with us?” Both Gigi and Crystal were waiting for an answer and Nicky just froze. _I can’t do this_. _I can’t do this_.

She did the only thing she could ever attempt to do whenever they were concerned.

She ran away.

_Marqués pour toujours; jamais réunis._


	6. Show me how to fight for now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, when Widow announced that everyone was supposed to stay in the hotel for the night, she was still fine. Peu importe. She should have known that Widow, the one left in charge by Michelle and the production, would come for her ass. She made Crystal cry – over her, but also because of Gigi. Widow was anything but forgiving when her friends were concerned, and Crystal was like her baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Welcome to the sixth chapter! Only one remaining after that.   
> I hope you enjoy as usual, this one is still sad but they'll get there!

The nights in New York always felt strange for her whenever she was alone. She constantly felt nostalgic for the past, while longing for the future. But Nicky never was acknowledging the present.

Lately, she went home after her shows, didn’t bother to stay around for long. Drinking didn’t interest her, and neither did fucking some strangers. She spent most of her nights lurking on social media. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, name it. Every time she saw Crystal and Gigi being tagged in pictures together, or doing lives together, or just _existing_ , really, she felt like someone came, ripped her heart straight from her chest and threw it to the ground from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

She supposed they deserved to be happy. She had made them suffer enough. They seemed to spent time equally in LA and Springfield, meeting each other’s close circles at the same time. Meanwhile, here she was, crying over a stupid selfie where Crystal and Gigi were backstage, half in drag, and laughing. They looked ridiculously in love, and while she knew they couldn’t say it – because of Drag Race, with the whole _branjie_ shit show - Nicky knew it was there.

Their sisters of the season, through their online group chat, teased them mercilessly, but both swore they weren’t dating, they only were “very good friends”. By then, the whole group knew they were soulmates, and they had a blast with it. Except her. She made sure to read the chat in case there was something important. But mostly, she relied on Jackie to give her the information if it was necessary.

For any other purposes, Nicky kept silent. Both Gigi and Crystal had tried endlessly – and still did – to get through to her, but she didn’t acknowledge either of them. She didn’t acknowledge Crystal when he cried, when he sent her thousands of vocal messages ranging from “please, give us a chance” to “I’m trying to be mad because Sam is broken over this but I can’t, please, Nicky”. She didn’t acknowledge Gigi when he sent dozen of pictures of them to piss her off, or when she got those angry drunk texts at 2 in the morning.

Truth be told, she barely acknowledged her best friends, her mother, her manager and anyone else who had an opinion on her mark. She was numb to almost everything. She woke up at noon every day, ate, did some shit on social media, went to work, showered, and went to sleep. That’s all she did for a long time. She kept to New York, anxious over anything that could push her out of her comfort zone. New York was safe, New York was _her_ territory.

After the debacle at the club, neither Crystal nor Gigi dared to ever step a foot on the New York state line. Even less in the Big Apple itself. Much like them, she avoided Missouri like the plague. Also, anything close to LA gave her the jitters. That was their turf, and she was more than happy to stay in her lane.

She did miss them, however, and felt like she was decaying without them at her side. Panic attacks were now a normality, and so were the insomnia, bouts of depression, and other symptoms she probably didn’t encounter. Yet. Needless to say, she wasn’t exactly thrilled for what was to come.

Speaking of things to come, her manager had left her a text message, warning her that she had to leave tonight for the tour. The big one, with the other season twelve queens. She had groaned in pure misery. Nicky had forgotten all about it, definitely not eager to attend.

On paper, it was quite simple: a month, about twenty-five cities, hotel rooms every night. In reality, though… it meant constant interaction with Crystal and Gigi, both before, during AND after the shows. What was worse? Seeing them thrive without her? Or seeing them mope around for her? Nicky wasn’t sure.

The tour was starting in Los Angeles, meaning she had to get there despite all her apprehensions. She only felt slightly better when Jackie was stuck in the same flight as hers. The other New York queens had either left earlier that day or were already in LA for some reason.

The queens were supposed to meet at one of the hotels downtown, and Nicky didn’t pay it much interest. She was busy scanning every corner of the airport, and then the roads, to make sure she didn’t cross paths with Gigi and Crystal too early. Jackie had tried to keep her calm, but even with all her empathy, the nerves of Nicky were far too much to contain, and the Persian gave up eventually.

She could still hear the sadness in Gigi’s voice back to that night in the club. It was one of the only thing her stupid brain allowed her to think about since then.

_“Nicky, why didn’t you tell us you shared your mark with us?”_

The doors of the hotel opened, letting Jackie and Nicky inside. All the other queens were already there, they were the last ones (mostly because she had panicked and forced her managed to schedule the late flight). The French queen almost hid behind Jackie’s slightly taller frame when she saw Gigi watching them with narrowed, dark eyes over his sunglasses, in contrast to the long-haired Crystal next to him, who had the saddest kicked puppy face she had ever seen on someone – and she was friends with Jan. That said a lot.

_Welcome to my own personal hell_.

* * *

Turns out, it was _really_ her own personal hell and she got played by all her fellow queens, who seemed to highly dislike that she caused two distinct things to happen in their group: Gigi becoming a stupid wreck, getting drunk and high and not giving a single shit; and Crystal apparently crying more than all of them put together, and they _were_ a season of crybabies.

Apparently – Nicky didn’t believe a single word of it, especially when it came out of Widow’s mouth – the hotel had messed up the reservations, and only put six rooms out for them all. At that point, Nicky didn’t give a shit. She assumed she would room with Jackie, since she arrived at the same time, or maybe Rock. To be honest, anyone was fine, except for Crystal or Gigi – but she was certain the two would room together (or go to the Californian queen’s house).

So, when Widow announced that everyone was supposed to stay in the hotel for the night, she was still fine. _Peu importe_. She should have known that Widow, the one left in charge by Michelle and the production, would come for her ass. She made Crystal cry – over her, but also because of Gigi. Widow was anything but forgiving when her friends were concerned, and Crystal was like her baby.

As the Missourian queen started to assign the rooms to the queens – Jan and Jackie, Rock and Heidi, herself and Jaida – she felt anxiety rise in her chest. You know, that moment when you feel like the air is sizzling with tension and something bad is about to happen? That’s how Nicky felt.

She saw it before it happened. The smirk on Widow’s face. The way the other queens moved slightly away from her and the clown duo, eager to leave the premises. “Okay, for the last room, Gigi, Crystal and Nicky, you can take it.” She made sure to look deep into Nicky’s eyes to convey her message. “Oh, and no switching – for emergency’s sake, we need to _stay in our own damn rooms_. Okay? Y’all set? See ya tonight for the show, ladies!”

Suddenly, there was only her and her two soulmates in the lobby. Neither Crystal nor Gigi had moved so far. Nicky had never seen queens scamper like this before. She probably would have joined them but she saw the Widow Von’Du Look of Disdain™ aimed at her and she was, maybe, a bit scared.

Okay, scratch that – she was terrified. But the real question was…did everyone know about their shared mark? She knew Gigi was usually pretty cautious with anything related to his personal life, but Crystal could basically throw on you his whole life’s secrets in the first two hours you met him. At this point, considering this, Nicky was almost sure at least Widow knew. And if she knew, she probably roped the others into pushing for something to happen. Bonus points if it wrecked her at the same time.

She felt frozen on her spot, but Gigi merely gave her a once over with those dark eyes of his, and started moving towards the elevator, not really care about her at all. It hurt, but she deserved that. Honestly, she had expected the queen to slap her, though maybe he was waiting to be in the room to do that.

Crystal seemed more ambivalent about his options of either following Gigi or staying and watch his other soulmate struggle. Nicky felt her heart break even more, watching him being confused and hesitant like this. “Go”, she murmured in a soft voice. “I’ll see you in a bit.” Crystal appeared to waver for a few more seconds, before he went after Gigi, who was holding the elevator doors for him.

* * *

While Nicky had actually waited as long as possible to avoid meeting Crystal and especially Gigi and his furious gaze, she knew she had to walk to their room to get ready for the show tonight. As she made her way to the third floor, she inserted her card to get access to the dreaded room.

Apparently, she was worried for nothing, as the room was silent. And empty, save for all the baggage by the door. She frowned, and sat at the dress table for a few seconds, actually catching her breath and soothing her beating heart. As she went through her bags, she spotted quickly a small piece of crumbled paper and made a face.

“We left before you arrived. I thought it would be best. Sam needs to be focused on the show, not this. Please, tonight, after we’re done… can you stay? Please. I just miss talking to you. I just miss you. Please. I can’t handle this anymore”, Nicky read out loud the note, her voice getting thicker with each passing word.

She held the thin piece of paper close to her heart for a few seconds, the deep longing she always felt towards Crystal coming back in full this time. She hurt him, both of them, but the Missourian was always so close to his emotions that it felt even worse somehow. He was always smiling and cheering, but not so much lately, Nicky guessed.

She composed herself, willing the tears caught on the edge of her eyes to stay there and dry. She needed to do her makeup and the show. She could concentrate on the rest afterwards. Nicky was just glad she didn’t have any numbers in close quarters of either queens.

_Est-ce qu’on peut vraiment être ensemble?_


	7. But it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was in the process of getting into one of the beds when she heard the door open and Nicky instantly tensed. She didn’t know what to expect, but it probably was her last chance for something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... this is the end. (Until I continue writing something else with them because I love them too much)  
> I had so much fun writing this, and getting to share it all with you!   
> I thought the chapter would take longer to write, but I went feral over last night's Untucked, so here we are. (These stupid clowns, I swear, I can't with them)  
> Enjoy Crystal crying over Nicky, Gigi screaming at Nicky, and Nicky just being done running for once.

To say she was apprehensive of what would happen after the show was a light statement. The French queen was scared out of her skin. She was the first one to run away from the club, barely heeding the questions coming from Jaida and Rock that saw her leave in a rush.

Nicky was shaking, her sweaty skin making her clothes and wig stick uncomfortably to her, even more than usual. Her legs were cramping under the effort of running in high heels after a two hour show. She felt her heart beating out of her chest, pounding painfully against her ribs, and didn’t know if it was because of the adrenaline rush of the show, the running she was doing, or the anticipation of what would happen next.

She didn’t know what she expected, really, but Nicky was the first one to enter the large room. It was still dark, and almost eerily silent. She sat down on one of the queen-sized beds, and sighed. She knew the next steps by heart – remove her wig, remove her clothes, remove her makeup, shower, and go to bed.

Mechanically, she removed the pins and tape that made her wig stick through anything she put it through during the night. Suddenly unable to handle the loud beating of her heart pounding, the blood rushing through her veins, and crashing in a hammering tune in her ears, she opened the TV in a hurry, leaving it on the first channel she found.

She turned back to the mirror and carried on removing her makeup, doing it far more harshly than usual, uncaring about how she treated her skin for the moment. Nicky just wanted to feel something else other than unease. From the corner of her eye, she saw the notifications on her phone and ignored them in favour of stepping into more casual clothing. Nothing too revealing, just dark sweatpants and an old wrinkled t-shirt she didn’t care about – the last thing she wanted was to feel even more awkward with Crystal and Gigi around.

She was in the process of getting into one of the beds when she heard the door open and Nicky instantly tensed. She didn’t know what to expect, but it probably was her last chance for something.

The French queen didn’t have time to think: she suddenly had her hands full with Crystal, which had basically thrown himself into her arms, without any concern. Nicky had barely acknowledged that he was hugging her so tightly she could barely breathe but it felt so right, like she’d never felt any better. Without thinking too much, she put her arms around him, actually gripping the soft tissue of the dress he was still wearing. She needed that. She needed to feel him and not let him go again. Nicky could feel his frame being wracked by an onslaught of loud sobs and felt hot tears falling on her shoulder, dampening her t-shirt.

“Thank you for staying, I was _so_ afraid you would be gone to someone else’s room by the time we got here”, Crystal began, barely putting any distance between the two to speak with a hoarse voice. “I’m so glad you decided to stay.” Through the tears he was still fighting – and were still falling – he was smiling brightly, and Nicky swore she had never seen a more beautiful sight in her life.

They heard more than saw the loud bang of the bathroom door slamming after Gigi made her way inside. Nicky probably would have had a heart attack if it wasn’t that she saw him move from the corner of her eye stomping to go hide in the bathroom. Crystal, however, had jumped up and grasped at her tighter. There was a look in his eyes that she couldn’t quite place.

“He’s… still angry at me, isn’t he?” Nicky sighed, not expecting anything else. She wasn’t blind. She saw the wrathful gaze he sent her, and while she knew Gigi was usually pretty level-headed, this time, she had probably twisted the knife just a bit too deep.

Crystal bit at her bottom lip for a few seconds, before nodding. “Yeah, he… Sam really took it hard, when you left back in the club. I’ve never seen him that angry before, he was seething.” The grinning queen seemed to hesitate for a moment, but continued anyway. “Most of the nights, he’s just… doing his shows, he comes back, he starts to cry and feel bad and then he gets wasted and every day’s been like that since the club.”

There was deep sorrow etched on the usual carefree queen’s face, magnified by her smeared makeup from crying earlier. “Please, Nicky, you need to talk to him, I, I don’t really care what you tell him – okay I do but that’s not the point – but you need to tell him what you wanna do, like if you wanna stay and try or just be away from us because we can’t deal with all of this anymore.”

Nicky watched Crystal, his words cutting deep right inside her chest, making it painful to even take a light breath, and she nodded a few times. “I’ll talk to him, I shouldn’t have waited that long”, she began, before wavering slightly. Moving a bit away from Crystal – but not enough so they didn’t touch anymore – she watched his features eagerly, committing them to memory, trying to formulate her words correctly. “Crystal, are you mad at me too?”

The Missourian tilted his head, reminding Nicky of a small puppy even more, and shrugged. “At first, I was, because Sam was so angry… but I was mostly sad, I think”. He paused and took both her hands, grasping at them softly but firmly. “I’m not anymore, because you stayed, you’re here. That’s all I ever wanted.”

At this, Nicky groaned slightly. She caressed his hands with her thumbs slightly. “You’re too cute for your own good, you know that?” Crystal shrugged again, and bent down slightly to kiss his left hand tenderly. “Go talk to him, if it ends badly I can handle him”, he assured the French queen simply. God, how she wanted to kiss him and just hold him against her endlessly.

Not able to stall any longer, though, she made her way to the closed bathroom door. She knocked, and didn’t even recoil when she heard the booming angry voice of the man inside telling her to go away. She exhaled slowly, gathering strength. “Gigi, please, we need to talk.”

Nothing could have prepared her for the literal tornado that opened the door abruptly, making it shake dangerously on its hinges with the strength used. The furious, dark eyes of Gigi Goode rooted her to her spot firmly. _Et merde_ , Crystal was right when he said how angry the youngest was. “Oh, so now you wanna talk? You sure you don’t wanna run away? Like the good bitch you are?”

In any other time, she would have probably cackled about the “good” pun he made unwillingly, but right now his words cut deep – and she knew he was right. She was a bitch, she had done nothing but lie to them and flee whenever shit started to get serious. He had every right to be angry. “Gigi, I know you have every right to be angry right –“

“You’re damn right I have every right, Miss Nicky Doll, Miss Nicky-Runs-Away, what do you even want from me? From us? If Widow didn’t force this shit to happen, would you have been here? Would you have come talk? If Cody didn’t put that stupid paper in your bag to tug at your heartstrings? Huh? Would you?”

When Nicky stayed silent, this only seemed to fuel the Californian’s anger even more. “Come on! You said you wanted to talk, why aren’t you? I’m waiting!” Without realizing, he had started to cry, the tears falling down his pale cheeks now free of makeup. “Why didn’t you just stay? Why couldn’t we make it work? Why are you so afraid of me, of us, of this?” When his sobbing got worse, Nicky could barely make out the words he said anymore. “I thought meeting my soulmates would be the best day of my life, I, I- I never thought I would have the luck to meet _both at the same time_ while we are all living _the same dream_. But that dream, became my own nightmare…”

“Gigi, we all know you’re probably the winner of the season –“

“THAT’S ALL YOU GOT TO SAY?! Do you really think I care for that goddamned crown? Fuck that crown! Fuck that reign, fuck RuPaul, fuck Drag Race, I don’t care!” He looked at her, and she felt her soul crumble underneath his intensity, the raw emotions he was displaying without shame. “Don’t you see… that I only wanted you?” His voice was low and hoarse with screaming, his head hung down.

She took her chance, as she saw him sway dangerously, and gripped him tightly in her arms, surprised when he didn’t even fight it, he just stayed there limply, drained of it all. “I… can’t possibly do anything to make it right by you… but I want you to know that I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I am afraid of this, and I’m sorry because I can’t be here but I can’t be away from you two either. I’m not asking you for a chance, I just want you to know that I’ll try to make it less painful on you two while you continue your relationship, it’s alright”, Nicky mumbled in his shoulder, still enjoying their proximity while it lasted.

She was surprised when he grasped both side of her face suddenly and looked right at her, like he saw through every single one of her walls. “We want to be with you, but we need to know if you’re willing to make this happen… it won’t be easy but we can make it last. I know we can. You just gotta say the words…”

“I want to be with you two”, and it felt like the most intimate thing she had ever uttered in her entire life – probably because it was. “ _Alors allons-y, salope_ ”, Gigi said with an amused smile through the tears that had started to dry on his cheeks.

Nicky did a double take, and titled her head slightly. “Where the fuck did you learn that?” She was genuinely surprised that he knew a swearword in her mother tongue, and that he would use it just like that, even though his accent was so horrible it made her almost laugh.

“Duolingo, bitch, I had to learn some shit to get through that thick dumbass head of yours!”

“They don’t teach that on Duolingo, though. That stupid green owl would never”, pondered Nicky with a smirk. “They really don’t”, supplied Crystal, sitting on the bed nearby, legs moving up and down like a small child on a swing.

“Fuck off, I may have done some googling too…” started Gigi with an exasperated voice. “What he means is, he went through like twenty different videos of French people on YouTube and TikTok before he found something that could work in ANY situation”, muttered Crystal again, barely stifling his laughter.

Annoyed beyond belief, Gigi suddenly threw her shirt all twisted in a ball towards the now-laughing queen, who was howling on the bed with laugher. He felt slightly embarrassed when he also saw Nicky wheezing on the floor nearby with their interaction. “Fuck off Cody, you’re supposed to be on MY side, not expose me like that?!” However, his words lacked bite, and he fell between the bed and the floor too, laughing just as loud as them.

* * *

Nicky always had trouble labelling what was or felt like home. From France, to Morocco, to New York, she always felt like something was missing. More accurately, two people. Her stupid mark gave her so much trouble for almost thirty years. She had fucked up endlessly. But right now, lying comfortably between a snoring Crystal and a sleepy Gigi, there was no other place on Earth she wanted to be more.

She’s be lying if she didn’t say she was still scared – because she was, she was terrified, but actually speaking with them for hours, and just be nestled between them seemed to help. Nicky was petrified, imagining how it would be when they all went back to their homes, but maybe, if they made it happen without her, it would work with her too?

“Stop thinking so hard, you’re giving me a headache…” mumbled lazily Gigi, palming at her until he found her shirt, grasping it firmly to get closer. He nuzzled Nicky’s neck softly, making a small noise of contentment. “We’ll figure it out, I promise. Sleep. I love you.”

Nicky smiled softly, and tenderly caressed his hair, playing with the shorter strands of brown hair absentmindedly. “Je t’aime aussi”, she admitted gingerly for the first time. As she felt Crystal get even closer to his side, groaning in his sleep a bit, the French queen felt his hand finally land on Gigi’s hip. This seemed to appease him, and he went back to snore lightly. Nicky closed her eyes eventually. She knew that even if the sky fell down, they would be there to catch her, no matter what.

_Peut-être qu’on peut y arriver, finalement?_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it, it will probably be seven chapters long, so keep in touch for the next update! Give me some kudos and comments if you liked it, it's always appreciated (mostly because I have no idea what I'm doing in general).


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